42: Not to prophesize in the name of idolatry

The Book of Knowledge
Laws of Idolatry and Paganism
Not to prophesize in the name of idolatry (Deut. 13:14)

            a FOUNDER pitches a table of INVESTORS

FOUNDER
i’m so excited to introduce you to Splurk
An Unconventional Panopticon for an Unconventional You™️
i’d like to start with a story
believe it or not i was once a child
with dreams and nightmares
nothing to my name
just a passion for passion and two ponies i called Chester
coming from nothing i always knew my parents were the future
and then they died
like an orphan i rose from their ashes
just like your great-grandparents fresh off the boat
fast forward eight months and i am brooooooke
i’m working odd jobs
fractional CFO
corporate embezzler
Postmates
me and the unwashed hustlers
although aren’t we all hustlers on this crazy rock hurtling through space?
that’s what God says
(do you know God?
great guy i know him well)
but it was time to hang up childish things
so at 22 i started my first company
Noverlia
B2B SaaS
high ROI low CAC impressive ARR alarming P&L
we disrupted
we broke shit fast and said “sorry not sorry”
and isn’t that what we’re all looking for these days?
mission? purpose? now more than ever?
we’re going to live on the moon
cryptocurrency is going to write our screenplays
China
Russia
third country
we can’t fall behind
not when growth is just around the corner
not when oversaturation is booming and anything you can do Wall-E can do better
Splurk is ready for that future
i’ve successfully founded and shuttered three startups
but Splurk puts them all to shame
using cutting edge data science that we made up
our software boldly privatizes healthcare AND national defense
in an iOS optimized blockchain of neural networks that only recognizes two genders
we already have 82,000 customers
(242 if you don’t count bots)
and we are seeing explosive usage on the backend of the front parts
by 2050 Splurk will be in every supermarket and self-driving car
we will be your mom-and-pop despotic warlord
destabilizing the world economy for decades to come
            gets very quiet
think of your grandchild’s first steps
his first kiss
his first audit
in those precious moment
don’t you want to tell him you made history?
            waits a beat for that to land
we have an incredible cohort of backers
ten Fortune 500s
nine VCs firms with robust investments in child labor
eight literal heavenly angels from on high
seven weapons manufactures
six oil robber barons
five golden rings
four Saudi princes (maybe)
three antisemitic Christian Zionists
my two dead parents’ trust fund
and APAC
so when you go to your next C-Suite retreat
and you’re sipping cocaine from champagne flutes with your favorite CEOs and She-EOs
and one of them says “i’ve just put all my money in Splurk because they’re the future”
don’t say “i missed the gravy train”
say “#MeToo”

            FOUNDER bows

            waits

            an INVESTOR asks-

INVESTOR
and you’re asking for…

FOUNDER
$82 million

INVESTOR
oh
that’s nothing
we’re in
we’ll wire you the funds today

            the INVESTORS clap loudly

            they hoot and holler and stamp their feet

            the FOUNDER beams with pride

            END OF PLAY