5: To fear Him

The Book of Knowledge
Fundamentals of Torah
To fear Him (Deu 10:20)

please listen to this tape in a dark room with as little stiumli as possible

today we're going to focus on stillness
it's so hard to be still
stillness is one of the most difficult
things we can ask of our mind
our world does not encourage stillness
our world demands constant constant movement
constant
but we are going to ask our minds
our hearts
our souls
to be still
so
take a deep breath in
hold for ten seconds

and let it out
deep breath in

hold for ten

and let it out

big breath in the biggest one yet

hold

hold

hold

keep holding

keep holding

don't let it out

be still

don't breathe

be still

keep holding

and

don't let it out

keep holding

do you see stars?

keep holding

has your vision blurred?

has your heart rate slowed?

has your pulse weakened?

keep holding

keep holding

and on the exhale let your eyes close

what do you see?

probably you think nothing

but that's so easy
to see nothing
what do you see?
don't visualize don't imagine
but with your eyes closed
what do you see?
behind your eyelids?
do you see shapes?
do you see colors?
do you see fragments?
bright shadows pulsing and dying?
remnants of what you saw when your eyes were
open?
maybe a chair
a bed
a desk
a book
a rug
a window
a plant
all captured in photonegative behind your
eyes
and fading fading fading

the longer you keep your eyes closed
the fainter the images become
the memory of the room you're in
which only moments ago you could see
begins to fade

keep your eyes closed

as the flickers fade
you have to wonder
is any of that still there?
is that room still there?
the bed
the desk
the book
the rug
the window
the plant
you can't see it anymore
you can't even see the little visual echoes
pulsing
so how can you even know any of it is there?

maybe you're alone

i assume you're alone but what i mean is
maybe the whole grubby fleshworld
has gone too
and you're floating in a black soup
floating floating floating away floating

keep breathing

keep your eyes closed

there's nothing else in this space with you

or is there?

is there

yes

just

over your shoulder

do you feel that?

what is that?

something hot on your neck

breath

not yours

something is breathing on your neck

but weren't you alone?

it's all right

whatever it is

it won't hurt you

i think

i mean i don't know

i'm
not there

i wouldn't know

how could i know what is in the room?

take a deep breath in

hold it

hold it

hold it

you're not breathing now

but someone is

just behind you

lean your head back

just a bit

did you feel that?

something sticky

warm

spiked

what is that?

keep holding

reach behind you

touch the back of it's head

is it a head?

why is it riddled with holes?

perforated

as though it lost a fight with a hole punch

the skin (is it skin?) is pockmarked and
webbed

try putting a finger in one of the holes

just try

wet

so wet

don't be nervous

it won't hurt you

don't you feel still?

you wouldn't want to move

what happens if you disturb it?

it won't hurt you

it's always been there

are you finally ready to see?

with your next exhale

slowly open your eyes

turn around