69: Men must not shave their beards with a razor
The Book of Knowledge
Laws of Idolatry and Paganism
Men must not shave their beards with a razor (Lev 19:27)
onstage is a line of mirror vanities
each more girlish and frilly and pink than the last
at each of the vanities is a YOUNG LADY
each more girlish and frilly and pink than the last
a perfumed world of femininity
each of the YOUNG LADIES has a full beard
each of them is shaving
some are going completely clean
others are trimming and shaping
overseeing this activity is the HEADISTRESS
HEADMISTRESS
now remember girls
even strokes
even strokes
YOUNG LADIES (in unison)
sing-songy
yes headmistress
HEADMISTRESS
mind the jawline
YOUNG LADIES (in unison)
sing-songy
yes headmistress
HEADMISTRESS
and don’t forget the aftershave
YOUNG LADIES (in unison)
sing-songy
yes headmistress
HEADMISTRESS
i’m partial to cedar myself
a YOUNG LADY (Annabelle) raises her hand
yes dear?
ANNABELLE stands
ANNABELLE
headmistress
when will we begin practicing our mustaches?
i’m most excited to try a mustache
HEADMISTRESS
and a mustache will be most becoming on you Miss Annabelle
but mustaches will not be covered till your third term
at Miss Vivian’s Academy for Young Ladies
we take personal grooming edification quite seriously
we do not want you to begin learning before you are ready to learn
beat
ANNABELLE
i understand headmistress
ANNABELLE sits back down
dejected
HEADMISTRESS
now returning to the sideburns-
ANNABELLE
but i am ready to learn
headmistress
i am
i am ready to learn
HEADMISTRESS
why don’t we discuss this after class?
ANNABELLE
i would like to discuss it now
beat
i mean no disrespect but
i would like to discuss it now
all of the YOUNG LADIES titter
this is not like ANNABELLE
HEADMISTRESS considers for a moment
HEADMISTRESS
proceed
carefully
ANNABELLE gathers her courage
ANNABELLE
i have always wanted to attend Miss Vivian’s
of course the facial care one learns here is beyond comparison
everybody knows this
but it was your mustaches
in particular
that drew me here
when one encounters a fine mustache on the street
one knows that mustache must belong to one of Miss Vivian’s young ladies
and i was most excited to learn how to achieve this style for myself
i come from a house of wonderful wonderful women
my father died when i was just a babe
and my mother and her mother raised me alone
they are the kindest warmest people one could imagine
i love them dearly
but they firmly believe that women should always wear full beards
no exception
full beard always
and their beards were magnificent
i understood the appeal
and i respected them mightily
for their follicle health
for their full coverage
for their sense of refinement in their beards
but i always knew
in my
in my soul in my very being
that i was meant for a mustache
i’m a mustache girl
a simple mustache girl
in my bones that is who i am headmistress
i dream every night
of clearing away this tangle of a beard
to unveil the mustache lying beneath
a mustache for primping
for combing
for oiling
for trimming
for styling
for shaping
for me
for me
for me
headmistress i do not want to question your teaching methods
i am certain they are sound
but
i am quite eager
to finally meet
the real me
a simple lady
with a simple mustache
long silence
everyone holds their breath
it goes on forever
and finally-
HEADMISTRESS
that was very brave of you Miss Annabelle
ANNABELLE
thank you headmistress
and i do sincerely mean it when i say
that no offense was intended
HEADMISTRESS
and none was taken
beat
why don’t we meet after class
and discuss what we can do?
ANNABELLE lights up
ANNABELLE
thank you headmistress
thank you
thank you
thank you
HEADMISTRESS
softly
i was once a mustache girl myself
HEADMISTRESS smiles at ANNABELLE for a moment
then returns to teaching
all right girls
back to your lesson
YOUNG LADIES (in unison)
sing-songy
yes headmistress
HEADMISTRESS
we were about to discuss sideburns
END OF PLAY