75: To repent and confess wrongdoings (Part 2 of 2)
The Book of Knowledge
Laws of Repentance
To repent and confess wrongdoings (Num 5:7)
THE BOOK OF KNOWLEDGE
Endnotes & Corrections
38: Not to cease hating the missionary (Deut. 13:9)
This play is the most directly about Tr*mp. It would probably be a better play if it wasn’t.
39: Not to save the missionary (Deut. 13:9)
Did you ever see the Boogeyman under the bed? An imp, a gremlin, a demon? If you didn’t, it means he’s probably still under your bed, waiting for the right moment to strike…
40: Not to say anything in his defense (Deut. 13:9)
By this point in the process, I was losing my mind over how many different ways Maimonides articulated how much God HATES missionaries. Five of these anti-missionary mitzvot are from a single verse in Deuteronomy. Maimonides had no chill.
41: Not to refrain from incriminating him (Deut. 13:9)
For further information on the powers of unicorns, please consult A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeleine L’Engle
42: Not to prophesize in the name of idolatry (Deut. 13:14)
Splurk is now in the midst of its Series D raise. Our valuation is through the roof, and democracy is dying as a result. Don’t you want to join the devolution?
43: Not to listen to a false prophet (Deut. 13:4)
Look, I’m not gonna sleep with a white guy with dreadlocks, but if it wasn’t for that, this guy’s pickup probably would’ve worked on me. Rough Trade has better sense than I do.
44: Not to prophesize falsely in the name of God (Deut. 18:20)
Somewhere in the 14th or 15th century, the anchoress Julian of Norwich recorded sixteen visions, or “shrewings." In her final shrewing, she wrote, “…our Lord opened my spiritual eye and shewed me my soul in midst of my heart. I saw the Soul so large as it were an endless world, and as it were a blissful kingdom. And by the conditions that I saw therein I understood that it is a worshipful City. In the midst of that City sitteth our Lord Jesus, God and Man, a fair Person of large stature, highest Bishop, most majestic King, most worshipful Lord; and I saw Him clad majestically. And worshipfully He sitteth in the Soul, even-right in peace and rest. And the Godhead ruleth and sustaineth heaven and earth and all that is,—sovereign Might, sovereign Wisdom, and sovereign Goodness,—[but] the place that Jesus taketh in our Soul He shall never remove it, without end, as to my sight: for in us is His homliest home and His endless dwelling.”
45: Not to be afraid of killing the false prophet (Deut. 18:22)
RIP to the Kennedy Center (if you’re reading this in the future, and the Kennedy Center has escaped the clutches of conservatives, well done!)
46: Not to swear in the name of an idol (Ex. 23:13)
This is a direct transcript of my last therapy session. No questions, please.
47: Not to perform ov (medium) (Lev. 19:31)
One of these dead people is me, and one of these dead people is you. Can you guess which is which?
48: Not to perform yidoni (magical seer) (Lev. 19:31)
Between the power of the yidoni, and the power of the ov, I would choose the power of the yidoni. Which biblical magic power would you choose?
49: Not to pass your children through the fire to Molech (Lev. 18:21)
“The binding of Isaac was supposed to be a test… the message of that story is always supposed to be that Abaraham failed… when he heard a message from God or from the divine that said, “Go and sacrifice your child,” his response was supposed to be no.” – Rabbi Abby Chava Stein
50: Not to erect a column in a public place of worship (Deut. 16:22)
Why does God hate columns? According to Rashi, “…[erecting a stone pilar], however, He hates, because it was a religious ordinance amongst the Canaanites. And although it was pleasing to Him in the days of our Patriarchs (cf. Genesis 28:18), now He hates it because these [Canaanites] made it an ordinance of an idolatrous character.” (cf. Sifrei Devarim 146). God is a petty bitch.
51: Not to bow down on smooth stone (Lev. 26:1)
Do you ever think about how annoyed Hermione in The Winter’s Tale must be that she spends half of the play as a statue? No? Just me?
52: Not to plant a tree in the Temple courtyard (Deut. 16:21)
A tree is like nature’s column, so it makes sense God would hate trees since, as we’ve already learned, God hates columns.
53: To destroy idols and their accessories (Deut. 12:2)
I didn’t write this play. Who wrote this? Do you know? Did you write it?
54: Not to derive benefit from idols and their accessories (Deut. 7:26)
Smashing things is fun.
55: Not to derive benefit from ornaments of idols (Deut. 7:25)
I can’t comment publicly on this one. If you know, you know.
56: Not to make a covenant with idolaters (Deut. 7:2)
This winter I’ll be releasing the remix album, CHRISTMAS IN JULY AND IT’S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BUT IT’S ALSO STILL CHRISTMAS IN JULY.
57: Not to show favor to them (Deut. 7:2)
This play is about Gaza. If you’re looking to help Israelis and Palestinians who are fighting for a more just future, my synagogue has a great resource page. “Never again” means never again for any people.
58: Not to let them dwell in our land (Ex. 23:33)
Sometimes, politeness can get you killed.
59: Not to imitate them in customs and clothing (Lev. 20:23)
The teenager in this play is named Alexander because I was listening to a podcast about Alexander the Great on the day I wrote this.
60: Not to be superstitious (Lev. 19:26)
This play was written using the Kishōtenketsu form. Variations of this narrative form appear in China, Japan, Korea, and Vietnam. A Kishōtenketsu narrative contains four acts, and the third act must be a twist, or even a what seems to be a non sequitur, that is integrated into the story in the fourth act.
61: Not to go into a trance to foresee events (Deut. 18:10)
“God shattered Isaiah’s indifference./God washed Isaiah’s hair in fire./God took the stay./From beneath its meat wings the nation listened.” – Anne Carson, “Book of Isaiah, Part 1”
62: Not to engage in astrology (Lev. 19:26)
I know hating astrology is homophobic, please don’t @ me.
63: Not to mutter incantations (Deut. 18:11)
I went through a few ideas for what animals would be used in this play. I landed on penguins because I thought they were the funniest. Is that rude to penguins?
64: Not to attempt to contact the dead (Deut. 18:11)
The first telegram was sent on May 24, 1844. It read, “What hath God wrought?”
65: Not to consult the ov (Deut. 18:11)
This play about armpit fetishes was written by David Mamet. Please tell everyone you know that David Mamet wrote the armpit fetish play. David Mamet is really proud of his armpit fetish play.
66: Not to consult the yidoni (Deut. 18:11)
Video killed the radio star. An asteroid killed the video star.
67: Not to perform acts of magic (Deut. 18:10)
“Magic consultations, secret rites, and votive actions are not absent from the amorous subject's life, whatever culture he belongs to.” – Roland Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse.
68: Men must not shave the hair off the sides of their head (Lev. 19:27)
If anyone would like to help me prank antisemites, please reach out.
69: Men must not shave their beards with a razor (Lev. 19:27)
The Torah is pro-scruff.
70: Men must not wear women's clothing (Deut. 22:5)
Please see the play for my feelings about this commandment (negative).
71: Women must not wear men's clothing (Deut. 22:5)
If you make a donation to Trans Lifeline, and send me a screenshot of your donation or copy of your receipt, I will match your donation and provide you with proof. This is not a joke. Trans people are under attack in this country, and we all have a moral duty to help where we can.
72: Not to tattoo the skin (Lev. 19:28)
I want to be so clear that this imagined Auschwitz tattoo transfer procedure is BAD and it is NOT GOOD. I do not endorse this.
73: Not to tear the skin in mourning (Deut. 14:1)
This play is the most autobiographical of all of these plays.
74: Not to make a bald spot in mourning (Deut. 14:1)
There’s probably a more serious way to engage with the historical practice this commandment responds to, and to consider how it does or does not hold up in the modern world. I did not choose this approach.