98: To rest on the seventh day of Passover

The Book of Seasons
Laws of Festival Rest
To rest on the seventh day of Passover (Lev. 23:8)

CW: violent imagery

a news reporter doing their evening broadcast

welcome back to News Hour Seven
The News for Yous
my name is [inaudible]
tonight’s top story
gunshots were reported
i repeat
gunshots were reported
they’ve been reported everywhere
wire reports are flooding in of
gunshots being heard
have you heard gunshots in your neighborhood?
do you want to tell us about it?
we’re collecting all of the info we can
this is a Very Important Story
on a Very Important Topic
we here at News Hour Seven
are committed to the elucidation of the gun shots
for example
what time were the gunshots at?
what kind of gunshots did they sound like?
these are important questions in the quest for
News for Yous
also
were they outside your house?
were they outside your tent?
do you live in a tent?
why do you live in a tent?
what do you get from living in a tent that you don’t get from living in a house?
or in an apartment?
also
news coming in that
Young Affluent Couples
or YACs
are more likely to rent an apartment than buy a house
what do we think causes such a shift?
economic depression?
emotional depression?
conceptual depression?
these YACs
what makes them deflate the housing market like this?
spite?
infantilization?
a need for speed?
all very possible explanations
we’ve brought on the show tonight [inaudible]
a leading psychopharmacologist and Very Opinioned Person
or VOP
to comment on these YACs
i turn the story over to [inaudible]
to interview this VOP on these YACS
over to you [inaudible]

thank you so much [inaudible]

a penetrating analysis
back to the gunshots story
Old Man Overseer down by the mill
reported gunshots outside of his household
which is not so much a household as a mill
i’ve been to Old Man Overseer’s mill
and there is no parlor
no mudroom
no serving quarters
no breakfast nook
the family room and living room are the same thing
it barely counts as a roof over one’s head
and while Old Man Overseer is not a YAC
it does raise the question
are the YACs and their aversion to home ownership
contributing to Old Man Overseer’s view
that he can call a mill a home
Old Man Overseer reported gunshots but i wouldn’t pay him any mind
also reporting gunshots are
the city of [inaudible]
and the city of [inaudible]
we’ll be following this story
all night long

welcome back to News Hour Seven
at Hour Eight
The News for Yous
my name is [inaudible]
the entire province of [inaudible]
slid into the sea this morning
i wouldn’t worry too much about it
we never liked them anyway

coming up later on the show
The World’s Youngest Piano Prodigy
his videos are a sensation
and he’s here to play for us tonight

half the country believes a mill is a home
half the country believes an apartment is a home
it’s an insurmountable culture clash
these fissures run deep
we are a divided nation
we wanna hear from you
the News for Yous viewers
do you believe a mill is a home?
do you believe a man is a man?
sound off your opinion using our online survey

and now to perform on News Hours Seven
our piano playing prodigy

[piano sounds]

can you believe he’s only five years old
when i was five i was busy with my coloring books
i definitely wasn’t playing piano like that
what do you want to be when you grow up?

a piano player and the pharaoh
adorable

the gunshots are still rolling
the province of [inaudible] is still in the sea
the YACs are now renting smaller and smaller apartments
in larger and larger cities
we have a video clip here

going late into the night here
i cannot remember how long i’ve been at this desk now
possibly months possibly hours
just kidding get me a nonfat latte and i’m good to go

an [inaudible] was shot up this afternoon
is this related to the YACs and their apartments?
could home ownership have prevented this tragedy?

so these gunshots these gunshots
i mean why these gunshots?
they’ve been going on for months now
we’ve been doing this story for months and yet
nothing seems to quiet them

i think i’ll never leave this desk i think i’ll die here

is black mold the secret killer in your bathroom?
find out when we return

gunshots continue to be heard
outside of our studio as a matter of fact
just beyond the window i can now hear

more parts of the nation slough off into the sea
unclear if this is a cry for help or not
either way nobody is interested

and of course nothing is certain
nothing is definite
no patterns have been discerned
no prophecies have been filed
history makes a conspiracy theorist of us all
everything that is real is normal
traditionally everything has always been fine
we have no reason to assume things won’t continue to be fine
panic on our part would erode neutrality
neutrality being our best service here at News Hour [inaudible]

a bomb in the distance

gunshots like a thunderstorm

the border swelling with hopeful expatriates

homeownership decreases even more sharply

in breaking news pharaoh has [inaudible]
he has created [inaudible]
has put us all in the position [inaudible]
and the leader of the Jews [inaudible]
after talks concerning [inaudible]
now we find ourselves [inaudible]
in the coming months we have to [inaudible]
we must [inaudible]
because this [inaudible]

[inaudible]

tomorrow’s top story
the pharaoh is holding a national pie eating contest
my favorite pie is cherry what’s yours?
the winner gets a lifetime supply of [inaudible]
and if you win the contest your firstborn won’t die

tomorrow the parade of fleeing Jews won’t come marching home again
hoohrah hoohrah
we’ll get to see the fine men and women of this country
after their centuries of forced service

new jungle gym construction is underway
glitter to be painted on all government buildings
free hot air balloon rides
cotton candy and lemonade on warm summer nights
the marching band plays under the gazebo
a magician doing card tricks
boys playing softball in the street
girls trying on dresses and braiding one another’s hair
neighbors with casseroles
a carnival
a pool party
a neighborhood gathering
this is what it used to be like remember?

a quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog
Jack jumped over the candlestick
and this old man played knick-knack on my thumb
Mary Mary quite contrary had a little lamb
whose fleece was white as Frosty the Snowman
fetching a pail of water he tumbled down
found a penny picked it up
all day long he had good luck
since a penny saved is a penny earned
you earn you keep keep on keepin’ on

blasting what was ever so tumbling towards to train gallop
gallon under the black blue mumbles of cotton candy swab strains
the sticky little wicks of Moses bluebird-soar in the distance
dazzling dazzling dazzling flaps of forwards jerks of terrible blooddrops
roasted rain fizzing finely in the fierce of the day

this just in
it has been reported
the Red Sea has parted and our men have drowned

this just in
it has been reported
God stirred in Their slumber and wept for our loss

this just in
it has been reported
the mixed multitude is free and now they shall rest

it has been reported
that they shall rest

it has been confirmed
that they shall rest

and we shall drown
and God shall weep
and they shall [inaudible]

[inaudible]

our earlier reports of gunshots were mistaken
they were just fireworks
for the pharaoh’s birthday
there were no gunshots

that’s it for tonight at News Hours Seven
i’m [inaudible]
thanks so much and we’ll see you tomorrow

END OF PLAY